Deep in pain but deeper in love

Instag picture for hubby, love me forever, okai

I am having a tough month. A tough Ramadhan. Battling with scoliosis. Alhamdulillah, great support from my love, family, and friends. My supervisor sent me an email conveying her dua', Allah menguji hamba yang dikasihiNya. Thank you Dr. Those words are indeed soothing and calming.

Despite the pain, I am trying my best to fulfill my duties as His servant, and a wife. After Solah, hubby never forget to cite "Bahagiakanlah kami sepanjang hayat kami, tambahkanlah rasa cinta antara kami, agar kami saling sayang menyayangi sepanjang hayat kami". Honestly, a dua' from my husband is the ultimate weapon to combat against my disabilities. This man loves me wholeheartedly. Then tell me, which part of me that is not melted by his pure love? I push myself to be strong. I promise to take a very good care of him, and I will love him as much as he does. I want to be my husband's wife here in temporary world, and also in the eternity world. A solehah wife, that's my target. In order to achieve my target, I kindly ask my husband to lead and support me all the way. I believe I am on the right track, and I pray for other Muslims' women to aim for jannah too.

Husband, as you read this, thank you for your love and support. I love you dear. 

"Ya Allah, jadikanlah hambaMu ini hamba yang solehah disisiMu, jadikanlah hambaMu ini isteri yang solehah di sisi suamiku, Ya Allah, dan jadikanlah hambaMu ini anak yang solehah disisi kedua ibubapa ku"

Happy mother's day, Puan Mahni Che Min

"I am a big girl. I fly with my own wings. I chose my own partner. I lived separately with them. I lead life based on their guide, thought, and blessings but judgement is on my very own hand. Decision making is all mine. I own myself. Because I am a big girl now".

Sounds like a real adult. Nah, that was not me who did the talking. Not yet. Or forever will never be.

Somehow I realized that I am still a spoiled little girl when I have to call her and weeping about my hair-fall problems, reddish on my face due to allergy, and sobbing while complained  on smelly freezer in my rental house. 

I guess I am still mommy little girl. Happy mother's day mom! May Allah grant you with longevity of life, prosperity, happiness, and may His blessings fall upon you.

Write beautifully

To have a masterpiece, some say we need to read a lot. A fluent and superb English may assist too. Some even say we have to pour our heart while writing. The urge to write beautifully is getting stronger especially after getting married.

I have grown up again. Grow to my next phase of life. To feel more. To love more. To live more. By writing beautifully, my inner soul is in peace. My heart bloom everytime I read my written-emotion. It separates the old and new version of me. As people change, emotion evolved too. I tend to care more and give more. And of course, all those beautiful feelings are solely for my husband.

I have a loving husband. I will trade him for nothing. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. He inspired me everyday to be a good wife. To accept flaws and improve to the better. He is the main reason why I want to write beautifully. I am afraid if I can not  portray him how much I love him. I want him to feel me. My emotion. Instead of just conveying my love through action alone, I want him to taste the sweetness of my words.

Plus he loves to read my writing. 

It was November 2009. I asked him to accompany me and Tajul to Kelantan. I need some extra hands to help me during the sampling so I texted him a simple message. I do not really knew him in person, but I definitely knew his name is Lutfi. Haha. After our first day in the jungle, we started to have a conversation. We tagged along really fast. After the sampling, we became good friends. We play badminton, sampling, and loafing together. In December 2009, we became real close till we had to make a crucial decision making. Though I knew him for just two months, it felt like I have known him for years. I am perfectly sure I have made a right decision. InsyaAllah. After everything had settled, we make it official on first January of 2010.

Getting to know him is a long process. I am a secretive person and the fact that I have to share with him my secret is one hard thing to do. We fought because of that. It took me a while to really open up with him. But to be honest, till today, I still have secrets that I only shared with my girl friends. Not that I do not put my trust in him, but certain things girls know best compare to men. Jealousy of course another big issue to cope with too especially at the beginning of our relationship. To develop trust is not an easy task. Especially when you are holding to the phrase "Men are not meant to be trusted". I said these to my girls.."I trust him, really, unfortunately he's a man, I do not trust men. A little exception, I will only put my trust in a man name HUSBAND!" In terms of attitude, we were proud to have each other. He's a boy next door whom mom would love to take as son-in-law. Ehem, me too*jump into the basket and hardly trying to lift myself up, urgh urgh*. Another thing to learn is the boundary between friends and our special one. We can't treat friends like we treat our special one. Simple example, I can't treat my boy friends like I treat my fiancee. Calling other boy 'abg' or 'papa' is a big no no. Just an example, Okeh. I do not do stupid stuff like that behind his back. Not even with my best-male-friend.  

These are just a few. More to comes right? When we live together, there will be more sides of him that I should know and learn how to handle. Men and women are different. Women can not expect men to think or act like them. Certain things, men just do not get it. It sucks sometimes, but that's the truth. Maybe that is the fun of it. I am looking forward to live with this creature called man.

Joke of the day

Kakak 1: "She honeymoon di Krabi and Phuket kan, so nanti baby She MADE IN THAILAND la ek"

Aku: hihi*buat-buat suci*

Kakak 2: Buat kat umah je, hahahaha

Aku: hihi*buat-buat suci lagi*

p/s: kawan2 baik mungkin dah muntah hijau dengar my ketawa suci =p

Clash of the titans

I am a girl who love rules. I love to obey the rules. Yeah, do not ask me to 'snake-ing' during working time. I am not that kind of girl who can easily accept mistakes. I live life with discipline. I love my routine. One of my weird habit is to tidy up the bed*tegang tanpa cela*. If my friends sitting on it, after they went away, I will tidy it up again. The bed must be in its good shape until my sleeping time at night. Not that I will prevent others from sitting or sleeping on it, I do not mind at all. Hm, a bit complicated to explain it with words. I have a sanitizer in my handbag. One of my normal phrase is.."tak nak sentuh, ada bakteria". People who do not get use with me will simply annoyed but for those who lingers with me will know that I truly mean it and did not meant to hurt others at all. If I buy books or etc, I will choose the perfect one. If I caught any slight imperfection, I will not buy those.

Somehow, there's a man who found that I am funny*which part?*

Talking about fiancee. I wonder how he manage to cope his last minute works. Live life without plan. For him, life is fun that way. Breaking the rules once in a while. I believe there are many women out there who live life just like him. I met some. They are funny and fun to be with. I want to live my life with honesty and discipline and I am happy that way as he is happy with himself.

But to say it in words, I doubt there's any existing words are enough to describe him. He taught me that life is not about perfection. It is OK to make mistakes. It is OK to not always on top. It is OK to wear 'selekeh'. It is OK when someone dislike you. Well of course, not that I will agree with everything that he said. I am happy by not being 'selekeh'. So, why would I wear 'selekeh'? Haha.

Maybe because of our differences, we tag along so well. Of course we have our arguments too. Even when he is a complete reverse from me, I want to be with him. I want to know more about him. When I am with him, I do not put my eyes on other men. I am loyal to him. I want to please him.  I want to be with him forever!

Dreams

When I was young, I am eager in pursuing a great career. A fine job, a big double storey house, a car, and all other valuable assets. I graduated with a best student tittle. After graduated, I wish to have more knowledge, high paid salary, so I continue my master degree. I even plan to get a Doctor title as early as possible. I will not marry yet. Not untill I am 28!

That was the dreams when I was in a cacoon.

However, as I turned to be a beautiful butterfly, I see my future with a different perspectives. I talk and act differently. Good friends noticed my changes and they were extremely proud of me. They keep on motivated, not even condemn me even though we have different views of life. 

I have discussed the issue before with friends. What is wrong when an educated women wish to be a full time housewife. I got positive comments from my best friends. Of course some are disagree with the matter, but I am really glad when all of my best friends kinda give their blessings in my decision. It felt like an approval that I make a right call.

Certain girls may disagree with me. I would not say anything but respect your decision. We human raised, think, act, experienced differently. What ever decision you will make in life, think wisely.

My certificates? Well some said girls no need to get high level of education, sooner or later they will hang it in the kitchen!Well here is for you folks, I will hang my certificates in the kitchen! Haha. Take that. I never regret pursuing high level of education. The knowledge and experiences are so precious. I am who I am today because of education. Who would expect the higher you go, the more you value your life. Life is short. Fulfilled it with good things. Become a housewife, devoted yourself to family, get closer to Almighty, then what is more valuable than that. 

I dreamt of devoting myself to my husband. My husband definition would be the one who I really love with (100% love) and he must be a straight guy! Auw Auw tak nak aih, and he is the only man that I want to spent the rest of my life with. Sounds like disney stories? Well I believe in happily ever after. I dream of woke up early and prepare him a healthy meal. Prepare his suit/shirts. A neat socks ready near his polished-shoe. Woke him every morning to lead our Solah, kiss his hand, give him a big hug and telling him that I am  so in love with him. As he is off to work, it is a wife duty to clean the house and make it neat and comfortable to live in. Listen to his stories, accompany him where ever needed, pampered him when he is down, fooling around in our house, watch movies together, kiss him good night, and many more!

Obstacles may come, I pray may Him ease our path to the happily ever after.

I expect none in return, just honesty and love.

p/s: I do hope I will run a home base business. My own company at home! Sounds good, right?

Counting days! I read a lot about responsibilities of a wife and hopefully I will be one great wife. Dear future hubby, I will devoted myself solely to Almighty and you~

Besarnya pahala seorang isteri~

My wedding day!

Dengan penuh rasa kesyukuran ke hadrat Ilahi, saya ingin menjemput rakan-rakan sekalian ke kenduri perkahwinan saya pada 17 Febuari 2012. Sila emel atau SMS saya nama dan alamat kalian untuk penghantaran kad kahwin.

Semoga dipermudahkan oleh Allah segala urusan.

Terima kasih.

Reaching stardom-Part 1

6 December 2011

I tried my first wedding dress! I am over the moon right now. The feeling is awesome! Fitting dress, checked!

I told the boutique owner, “Oh my, I am so shy. Do I need to come out from the fitting room?” Well, of course I have to. No choice. Huu, but I really fall in love with my wedding dress. I just can’t wait to wear it properly. Do pray for me, ok.

p/s: The entry tittle aren't mine. Hehe.

21.11.2011

Ya Allah ya tuhanku,

Hanya kepadaMu hambaMu ini memohon, Engkau lah Tuhan sekalian alam, Yang Mentadbir seluruh isi alam, yang maha Agong, yang maha Besar, yang maha Mendengar doa anak Adam

Ya Allah, ampunilah segala dosa ku, dosa kaum kerabat ku, dan dosa-dosa orang-orang terdekatku. Limpahkan lah kami dengan cahaya keberkartan, dan golongkan lah kami dikalangan orang-orang yang beriman

Ya Allah, hanya kepada Engkau hambaMu meminta, jadikanlah hambaMu ini hamba yang solehah, suci kanlah hati ku dari segala sifat mazmumah, dan jauhilah hambaMu ini dari seksaan api nerakaMu Ya Allah

Ya Allah, sesungguhnya Engkaulah yang Maha Mengetahui apa yang tertulis di Luh Mahfuz, satukanlah hatiku dengan hati Ahmad Lutfi Lukman, percepatkanlah dan permudahkanlah perkahwinan hambaMu ini dengan Ahmad Lutfi Lukman. Satukan hati kami didunia dan juga akhirat. Bahagiakanlah kami di dunia dan juga akhirat.

Ya Allah, di hari lahir Ahmad Lutfi Lukman ini, Engkau limpahkanlah rahmatMu keatas dirinya, panjangkanlah usianya, permudahkan segala urusan pekerjaannya, lindungi dirinya dari segala malapetaka, kabulkan cita-citanya untuk menjadi seorang jutawan yang dermawan, dan Engkau lancarkanlah urusan sarjananya.

Ya Allah, Kabulkan lah permintaan hambaMu ini. Sesungguhnya Engkau Maha Mendengar, Maha Pemurah, dan hanya kepadaMu hambaMu ini memohon

Amin.

Love is in the air

You knew he's in love with you when he just can't get enough of you. You knew he's the one when there's not even a single day passing by without him telling you that he's so in love with you, and you definitely knew that you are terribly falling for him when your heart beating fast every time he's staring at you, missing him when he's not around, thinking about him every now and then.

Expressing love with words is difficult. It is always not enough. It needs more than words.

It’s raining outside.

I miss him.

:Floria 2011 & Sweet Luffy:

Floria 2011. Roses are forever! Sweet theme for a couple right? I spent my precious moment with my love one, BT Boy! Sorry for the low quality image. I am using my hand phone's camera. However, it was enough to capture these sweet moments.

Rainbow roses! Dear, I want a nursery full of roses at home!

Well that's me, that's me!God, I am in love with roses! BT Boy said, "Dear, be patience, do not panic." Muahaha!

This is my man. The one who I love more than roses! His scent and charm is far more sweet than the roses!

Before we went home, BT Boy sat on his knee in front of me, with a present in his hand. I was shocked! Hehe, it was sweet. Everything is sweet. Thank you dear!

Fireworks! I love you, Ahmad Lutfi Lukman! Our day will come, soon.